Becoming Myself summary

“You killed him! You killed him!” To this day, Irvin D. Yalom can hear his mother’s shrill voice as she screamed these words at him. 

Yalom was just 14 when he woke at night to find his father, Benjamin, writhing with chest pains. The family doctor had been called, but waiting for his arrival proved as agonizing for the young Yalom as it did for the elder. Irvin’s mother, consumed with fear, redirected her distress and aimed it at her son. They’d never been close, per se, but this event marked a line in the sand. His father eventually recovered, but for the next few years, Yalom barely uttered a word to his mother. It would be a relief for everyone when Yalom left home for medical school at 22. 

Looking back now, Yalom tears up thinking about his fraught relationship with his parents. His life and theirs were worlds apart. They had arrived at Ellis Island from Russia with no money or English, and worked 17-hour days for the remainder of their adult lives. Yalom, on the other hand, was born and raised in Washington, DC, and though his early years were far from the American Dream, they were the best his parents could offer. Unfortunately, Yalom and his parents were never to completely bridge the divide between them – one of his few harbored regrets. 

Fortunately, however, Yalom found a constant saving grace in Marilyn, his high school sweetheart and then, until her death in 2019, his wife of over six decades. 

Yalom describes meeting Marilyn at 15 as the moment his life turned technicolor. She became the sun around which he revolved. Both ultimately became teachers and prolific writers – as we’ll explore further in the coming sections – and also went on to have four children, and their familial dynamic couldn’t have been more different from Yalom’s. Their home was a lively haven for their kids and their kids’ friends, they enjoyed a long tradition of holidaying together, and they even collaborated on several artistic and literary projects later in life. 

Many of us can relate to complicated and challenging family dynamics. These relationships are some of the most influential we’ll experience, and yet, it’s just as easy to get them wrong as right. 

Yalom’s weak ties to the past are a pain point that plagues him. Perhaps it’s little wonder he’s sought to make his present ties so strong.