Ask summary

Understanding why people often withhold important information requires you to develop empathy and awareness of the barriers that prevent them from speaking up – so let’s look at what those are.

First, people worry about the negative impact their words might have. They fear causing embarrassment, hurt, or tension, which leads them to remain silent to avoid these outcomes. Even in trusting relationships, the stakes can feel higher, making it harder to share honest feedback.

The most effective way to understand what others think, feel, and know is to ask them directly. In the rest of this Blink, you’ll find out how to do this using the five-step ask approach. These steps foster learning and deeper connections, leading to smarter decisions and more creative solutions. This approach isn’t a rigid recipe but a set of practices for meaningful human connection, requiring your judgment for application. In some instances you may need several conversations or to revisit steps, as real-life relationships are complex. The goal is to learn and connect, so approach each relationship with curiosity and adapt the method as needed. Now, let’s explore the steps in detail.

First up: curiosity.

Safety is the second step of the ask approach, and involves creating a strong connection, opening up, and demonstrating resilience. To make it easier for people to tell you hard things, focus on making it safe for them to share openly.

Begin by creating a genuine connection. Learn about others beyond superficial details – find out why they chose their career paths or what drives them. Share your own stories and vulnerabilities to show that you’re approachable and human. Consider the setting for your conversations, too. Choose spaces that feel comfortable and neutral, avoiding places that highlight power imbalances. Taking a walk can be a great alternative.

To make the most of the wisdom around you, focus on asking the right questions. This step involves asking quality questions, which are designed to help you learn from others. Avoid questions that shut down inquiry, manipulate, or put others on the defensive. Some questions may unintentionally prevent learning by being poorly phrased, such as those that are rhetorical or closed-ended. Others may be designed to influence or steer the conversation in a self-serving way. Some questions can come across as offensive or accusatory, putting the other person on the defensive and hindering open dialogue.

Instead, aim to ask quality questions designed to help you learn from others. These questions should be clear, direct, and genuine, encouraging honest sharing.

To truly understand and connect with others, you need to develop the skill of listening to learn. Begin by setting the intention to listen without the goal of fixing, advising, or persuading. This allows you to understand the other person's perspective genuinely.

You should learn to listen through three channels simultaneously. First, pay attention to the content, which includes the facts and claims being shared. Second, tune into the emotions, noticing the feelings, needs, and desires behind the words. Finally, consider the actions, understanding the intentions and goals motivating the speaker.

To effectively transform conversations into actionable steps, carefully process what you’ve heard from others. This is the fifth step of the ask approach: to reflect and reconnect.

Begin by sifting through the information to discern what is worth deeper reflection. Not all feedback will be useful, so it’s important to differentiate between valuable insights and those that might be counterproductive. Sharing what you’ve heard with a trusted friend can provide additional perspective and help you decide what to focus on.