Name: The Parenting Map
Rating: 4.6 (72 reviews)
Author: Dr. Shefali

What’s in it for me? Three steps toward more mindful parenting.

As any parent knows, children don’t come with instructions.

But that doesn’t mean you have to struggle through challenging phases in your relationship with your child without any guidance. Adopting a conscious parenting style can help you navigate a variety of developmental stages and unexpected problems, all while staying mindfully connected to your child. And happily for parents, conscious parenting does come with a map.

So in this Blink to The Parenting Map, we’ll walk through Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s three-step roadmap to becoming a more conscious parent. And while your child’s unique path is ultimately theirs to choose, adhering to the principles of conscious parenting can help ensure you stay connected to them every step of their way.

Step One: Release yourself from unproductive parenting patterns

Begin your journey toward conscious parenting by understanding the unique parenting problems that you’re facing. Remember, parenting is all about you. If it were all about your child, it would be called “childing.” And this is a good thing. It frees you from the impossible task of raising the “perfect” kid – one who is sporty, imaginative, intellectual, sociable – all while simultaneously giving them an ideal childhood in which they’re always happy and never angry or frustrated. This child-centered approach can lead to micromanaging and controlling our kids rather than connecting with them.

This might be tough to admit to yourself, but you do not love your child unconditionally. Immeasurably, yes – but the love we have for our children is predicated on control. When their actions don’t align with our agendas – when they don’t score A’s at school or they struggle to make friends – we go into control-freak mode: we punish, or withdraw, or micromanage. Acknowledging the ways in which you need to control your child can release you from this need, as you consciously work on meeting your child where they are and addressing their needs instead of your own. Replace control with compassion and inquiry. Next time your child fails to meet your expectations and you’re tempted to switch into control mode, ask yourself, Why do I feel the need to be right here? Why am I threatened if my child doesn’t follow my agenda?

Let them be sad when they’re sad and angry when they’re angry – don’t try to place a positive spin on tough situations in an effort to protect your child from any emotion other than happiness. A conscious parent also accepts their child’s failures when they inevitably occur – they don’t try to problem-solve them into successes. Let go of outcome-oriented goals like having a happy or successful child. Instead, work toward enhancing the process-oriented practices of presence and experience while you’re with your child. Embrace the present moment, and the experiences you and your child are undergoing within it – whether those experiences are good or bad.

The final thing conscious parents need to let go of? Labels. Have you ever heard a group of parents comparing notes on their children? You might have heard adjectives like “good” or “bad,” “easy” or “challenging,” “lazy” or “driven” being thrown around. You might have used words like this to describe your own child. But let’s probe a little more. Often, the qualities we use to determine a “good” kid – qualities like calmness, obedience, compliance – are simply qualities that make us feel like “good” parents. Equally, the qualities we use to determine a “bad” kid – rebelliousness, adventurousness, defiance – aren’t inherently bad, but make us feel like “bad” parents. Encouraging our children to conform to our idea of “good” in reality means policing our children’s choices and behaviors based on the needs of our own egos. Try supporting your child in actions and behaviors that feel good to them.

Here’s an example. Let’s say your nine-year-old is a talented pianist. Lately, they’ve admitted they’re not enjoying piano lessons and would like to quit. Instead of appealing to them to show discipline, to stick with lessons, to keep improving – in other words to be good – show your child you’ll support them in listening to their inner voice, and making a decision that feels good. Try something along these lines: “I can see you don’t like piano at the moment. I’ll come with you to your next few lessons and we can check in about how you feel each time. If you still don’t like it, I’ll help you decide on a next step that does feel good to you.” You’re not encouraging your child to adhere to a label, like “good” or “hardworking,” that ultimately serves your ego more than them. You’re empowering them to listen to their own intuition and emotions in order to make the choices that feel right for them.

Step Two: Manage your ego, extinguish your triggers

Every child is different – but, from the moment they enter this world, all children share one crucial need: the need to be seen and accepted as their authentic selves by the people closest to them. Sadly, this is often extremely difficult for parents to do. Why? Because our own parents failed to do the same for us, because their parents failed to do it for them, in a pattern going back generations.

As children, we quickly learn that our parents want us to be and to act in certain ways that don’t always line up with our authentic selves. But to avoid disappointing or angering our parents, we try to conform to their expectations. From the first time we do this, our self is divided in two: the inner child, in touch with our true feelings and nature, and the ego, the outward mask we present to those around us, which responds to the inner child’s unspoken needs out of fear or anger. Our ego is actually meant to protect our true self – but, ironically, egoic behavior often creates far more problems than it solves.

Step Three: Learn to accept your child, and connection will flow

Once you’ve begun the work of healing yourself, you can begin the challenging but rewarding process of first accepting and then connecting with your child.

The goal of conscious parenting is simple: accept your child for who they are, unconditionally. But this simple goal is very difficult to put into practice. Think about it. How many people in your life do you accept unconditionally – including among your friends, your family, and even yourself? For most people, the answer will be none.

Final Summary

In three steps, you can heal your relationship with your child. First, unlearn the controlling parental patterns you have been perpetuating. Second, heal your own inner wounds, so you can release yourself and your child from harmful egoic behaviors. Finally, accept your child as they are and connect with them on their own terms.

Kernaussagen in The Parenting Map

Worum geht es in The Parenting Map?

The Parenting Map (2023) by Dr. Shefali Tsabary offers a step-by-step guide to parenting healthy, happy, resilient, and grounded children by adopting a mindful parenting approach. In it, parents are encouraged to unlearn toxic parenting habits and replace them with moments of meaningful connection.