Boundaries Buchzusammenfassung - das Wichtigste aus Boundaries

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Zusammenfassung von Boundaries

Name: Boundaries
Rating: 4.4 (524 reviews)
Author: Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Henry Cloud and John Townsend

When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

4.4 (524 Bewertungen)

23 Min.

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Boundaries
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What’s in it for me? Love yourself and others by setting boundaries.

What does a day without boundaries look like?

Maybe this: You wake up before your alarm to make your children’s breakfast. You have a big presentation at work that morning and really need time to prepare, but you still don’t ask your spouse to help with the cooking. At work, the presentation isn’t set up. It’s not your job, but you get all the equipment ready anyway. Then, before you can even begin, your boss has asked you to coordinate the upcoming Christmas party. He would do it himself, he says, but he’s just too busy. Of course, you agree. All this, and it’s not even lunchtime!

Sound familiar? If so, you know how draining a day without boundaries, let alone life without them, can be. That’s why setting boundaries is both a necessary act of self-care and an act of kindness to others. In the blinks that follow, you’ll learn exactly how setting boundaries can work and, through hypothetical case studies, learn how to put them into practice.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how letting people take advantage of you also hurts them;
how to troubleshoot common boundary violations; and
why setting boundaries might be the most selfless thing you can do.

Setting boundaries is an act of kindness.

Walls, fences, No Trespassing signs: when you think about it, your physical environment is delimited by all kinds of concrete boundaries. What’s more, those boundaries exist for good reason. That barbed wire fence around a nuclear power plant? It’s there for your own protection – it prevents you from inadvertently wandering into a hazardous zone.

Boundaries are just as necessary for your emotional and spiritual protection. Unlike physical boundaries, however, emotional and spiritual boundaries aren’t laid out in a way that’s clear to everyone. That can make it difficult to establish your own boundaries and to discern those of others. Worse, enforcing your boundaries can make you feel mean. But it shouldn’t.

The key message here is: Setting boundaries is an act of kindness.

When you set a boundary, you take ownership of your needs, wants, and feelings. Yet when we do this and prioritize ourselves, we often feel like we’re neglecting those of others.

Let’s be clear: setting healthy boundaries doesn’t mean you have no stake in other people’s problems or spiritual concerns. It simply means that you’re not solely responsible for them. As the Bible’s book of Galatians teaches, you are responsible to others but for yourself.

Still confused by this distinction? We can unpack it with the example of a hypothetical family. Let’s call them the O’Rileys.

The O’Riley’s are a loving family, but their son James has lost his way. He’s been expelled from school and developed a drug problem.

The O’Riley’s can take responsibility for their son’s issues by enrolling him in another school and paying the fines when he’s busted for drug possession. But will James solve his problem? Unlikely. Functionally, he doesn’t even have a problem – his parents have shouldered it for him.

Alternatively, the O’Riley’s could own their responsibility to their son without taking responsibility for his problems. They can listen to him, support him, and take steps to facilitate his sobriety – all without stepping in to solve his problems for him. The O’Riley’s are taking care of themselves by setting those boundaries. But they’re also taking care of James. Setting boundaries is not just an act of kindness toward yourself. It’s an act of love toward everyone around you.

Boundary issues can manifest themselves in many ways.

Maybe you’re thinking, “I’m assertive. I have no problem saying no. Therefore, I don’t have a boundary problem.” Well, boundary problems come in every shape and size.

The key message is: Boundary issues can manifest themselves in many ways.

Don’t buy into common myths about healthy boundaries.

What’s holding you back from setting healthy boundaries that allow you and the others in your life to thrive? Maybe you feel that setting boundaries is selfish, or hard to reconcile with your faith. Christians, for example, might think of how the Bible quotes John as saying that how well they love others is a hallmark of Christ’s followers.

However, to love others well, we must first love ourselves. And setting boundaries is a profound act of self-love – the idea that healthy boundaries are selfish is just a myth.

The journey toward a life with boundaries is long but rewarding.

Before you’re comfortable asserting boundaries, you might placidly accept boundary violations. You might think, “Carole always asks me to babysit last-minute, but that’s just her way.” Or “Lin always puts me down in front of his friends. He’s just joking, though.”

Over time, you’ll probably experience resentment. This can be unpleasant but useful – the feeling shows you that you’ve stopped being complacent when your boundaries are violated. So pay attention to it! That’s your heart telling you an important boundary has been overstepped one too many times. Heeding it is the first step toward a life of healthy boundaries.

We first learn boundaries from our families.

Are you a confident, high-functioning person who feels inexplicably depressed and insecure after spending time with family? Do you love your partner but throw them under the bus to please your parents? Are you an adult who relies on your parents to resolve problems big and small – from paying off credit card bills to helping with laundry?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you come from a family with boundary issues. What’s more, those issues are shaping the boundaries you set in your own life.

Boundaries are the key to a fulfilling romantic relationship.

Okay, you’ve got the message. Boundaries are good! Creating and maintaining boundaries isn’t just a form of self-care – it also gives you the space to better care for others. In fact, healthy and long-lasting relationships depend on boundaries being enforced and respected.

But what about when it comes to marriage? After all, you and your spouse are in love and you share everything with each other. You don’t even need boundaries – do you?

Boundaries also benefit friendships.

Here’s a tendency that might sound familiar: You can assert your needs to your spouse, no problem. If your family tramples your boundaries, you tell them to back off in no uncertain terms. But when it comes to your friendships, you just can’t seem to establish healthy boundaries.

That’s a real problem. Outside of your partner and your family, some of the most meaningful relationships you have are with your friends. It can be all too easy to fall into problematic patterns in these relationships if you don’t establish healthy boundaries.

Personal boundaries are important in professional life, too.

Ahmed has a great reputation at work. He’s a can-do guy, a team player who always goes above and beyond – even when that means working late nights and weekends. What’s great for his working life, though, is terrible for his family life.

Ahmed thinks the problem is that he just can’t say no. Ahmed’s wife, Julia, sees it differently. Ahmed’s great at saying no. He says no to his family all the time. He’s just more comfortable asserting boundaries in his personal life than in his professional life. But Ahmed needs to learn that boundaries are as crucial at work as they are at home.

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Worum geht es in Boundaries?

Boundaries (1992) is a handbook for those who can’t say no, those who won’t take no for an answer, and everyone in between. Grounded equally in Christian faith and contemporary psychology, this book is an eloquent argument for the emotional and spiritual necessity of firm, healthy boundaries.

Wer Boundaries lesen sollte

Doormats who let others walk all over them;
Emotionally unavailable people who never let anyone in; and
Martyrs who do everything for others but accept no help in return.

Über den Autor

Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist and leadership expert. Dr. John Townsend is a business consultant, leadership coach, and psychologist. Separately, each has authored multiple books on leadership and psychology. Together, they are co-authors of the New York Times best-selling Boundaries and leaders of the acclaimed GrowthSkills workshop series.

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