The Advice Trap summary

That voice whispering in your ear – the one that says you have all the solutions – is your personal Advice Monster. Your Advice Monster is an important part of your personality that developed in times when you were stressed, and wanted to feel more in control of a situation. The monster commonly comes in three personas.

The first is called “Tell-It.” This monster convinces you that the only way to add value to a situation is by being the leading authority, and always having the right answers. It loves hogging the spotlight and explaining, loudly, why its opinion is more important than anybody else’s.

Just as puppies tend to start excitedly yapping whenever a car passes, there are certain things that will set off our Advice Monsters and make them even noisier. To start taming your monster, you need to identify your personal triggers. Which people – and which situations – are most likely to set off your advice-giving reflexes?

For the author, it’s time spent with his brother. No matter how mindful he tries to be, something about being with his sibling makes his Control-It persona itch to come out and start managing the situation.

Toddlers are famous for asking questions as they look at the world around them. Why are ladybugs red? Why are we eating peanut butter sandwiches for lunch? Why does that classmate have two mothers?

They’re frank and open and very, very curious. But as we grow up, we lose that vital art of asking questions, and instead start wanting to tell everybody else what we think. If we want to become good leaders, it’s time to get back to basics.

By asking questions, you’ll notice something important start to shift: instead of being ruled by your Advice Monster, you’ll begin to adopt a coaching habit – which means you’re more interested in helping to identify challenges than coming up with perfect answers.

But sometimes, in spite of your best efforts, you’ll get stuck in a conversation that’s not going anywhere. You ask the right questions, but you still can’t quite get to the heart of the challenge. That probably means you're confronting a “Foggy-fier.” Foggy-fiers are conversational traps that – much like fog – can hide what’s really going on. The good news is that the sooner you learn to spot them, the sooner you can blow them away.

The human brain is constantly alert, scanning the horizon for threats. When it feels like something destructive is coming, it triggers our survival mechanisms.

When we’re engaged in a challenging or uncomfortable conversation the same thing happens – the brain jumps into action, sounding the alert to activate these same survival modes. As a result, we either go into “fight" mode and become antagonistic or defensive, or we completely shut down – going into “freeze” mode.

Even the most intrepid climber won’t scale Mount Everest in one go. He takes one step back for every two steps forward, making sure to rest and acclimatize to the changing air pressure in between.

Taming your Advice Monster and developing your coaching mindset will be a similarly gradual process. You may feel like you’re making progress, and then slide right back into your old ways. It can be frustrating, but remember: you’re changing the habits of a lifetime! Of course it’ll take time to get it right.