The Asshole Survival Guide summary

What makes someone an asshole? The author asked people to share their experiences with assholes in the workplace, and some pretty repellent behaviors emerged: a boss who only invites his favorite employees to the office Christmas party; someone who constantly interrupts others; and a coworker who, after flashing a warm smile, leans in and whispers, “I’m going to take you down.”

Of course, some assholes are worse than others, and knowing how to separate the annoying ones from the more serious cases can be very useful.

So the first question you can ask yourself is this: Do encounters leave you feeling oppressed or demeaned?

As the poet laureate Maya Angelou once put it, “At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.” And when we mentally categorize someone as an asshole, it’s usually after that person has made us feel hurt, discouraged or unsettled.

Understanding how someone makes you feel is the first step toward gaining some control of the situation and learning to lessen the impact they have on your life, especially when it’s someone you work with. You can then prepare yourself, anticipate certain responses and even consider how your reaction may be linked to past events in your life.

If you find yourself facing these oppressive or demeaning encounters, the next question to ask is whether this person is a temporary or a continual asshole.

If your boss is usually a gentle, kind person but transforms into a raging asshole every once in awhile, he may be using a leadership strategy since such behavior is shown to be effective.

In a study of coaching in college basketball, researchers found that when mild-mannered coaches turned aggressive during a halftime pep talk, it regularly sparked a boost in performance. On the other hand, coaches who were always unpleasant didn’t have the same effect during their angry halftime speeches.

So there are excuses for your boss being a temporary asshole, but there’s no excuse for being a permanent one.