How to Walk into a Room summary

Like it or not, life is full of big, difficult decisions. A lot of them can be summed up by the title of that popular Clash song from back in the day, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” This question can apply to jobs, relationships, and living situations, just to name a few.

Like that Clash song, this question can get stuck in your head, repeating over and over without ever resolving itself. What we’re going to do is help you to get rid of this earworm and make a decision, with purpose, wisdom, and grace.

The central metaphor in helping to attain this wisdom is to think of your life as a house in which each commitment, community, role, and relationship represents a room. The author prompts us to assess these rooms carefully and thoughtfully. What does it feel like to be in these rooms? Does it feel good? Bad? Indifferent? 

Many times, the decision to stay or leave isn't straightforward. In some cases it can be painful to recognize when a room no longer serves us, especially if it once felt like home. In other cases it can be confusing. You might feel at home in a room that no longer aligns with your values, or no longer provides the growth you’re looking for.

It can be especially difficult to come to terms with a desire to leave a room in which we’ve invested a lot of time and emotion.

To help figure out what’s right for us – to better understand the rooms we’re in – the author recommends the concept of pointing and calling, which is borrowed from James Clear's book Atomic Habits. This is a valuable tool for self-awareness in times of change.

All it takes is the focused intention to look at the rooms you're in, point out truths you see, and call attention to hidden aspects of a situation. How do they really make you feel? What’s working and what’s not working?

There’s also wisdom in identifying the ending – the different ways we exit rooms. Is it an anticipated, forced, or chosen ending? By understanding the nature of our departures, we can better navigate the transitions and make peace with the changes. Each type of departure brings its own challenges, as well as its own opportunities for growth.

But perhaps the most important tool for understanding what to do next is to remember your path. You can do this by reflecting on our personal guideposts, which the author identifies as your spiritual personality and your core values. These guideposts illuminate our path and help us make decisions aligned with our authentic selves.

Your spiritual personality refers to your unique way of experiencing and expressing spirituality. Your spiritual personality encompasses your beliefs, practices, and experiences related to the divine or transcendent aspects of life. You can reflect on questions such as: What brings you a sense of connection or meaning? How do you experience awe, wonder, or reverence? What practices or rituals nourish your soul? By recognizing and embracing your spiritual personality, you can better cultivate a sense of inner peace and purpose, and know in which rooms you belong.

Likewise, core values are the fundamental beliefs and principles that guide your behavior, decisions, and interactions with the world. They represent what matters most to you and serve as a moral compass for navigating life’s choices and challenges. Identifying your core values involves reflecting on questions such as: What virtues do you admire and aspire to embody? What principles do you prioritize in your relationships and endeavors? What qualities do you want to cultivate in yourself and others? By clarifying your core values, you can live with greater authenticity, integrity, and alignment with your true self.

The last tool in this section is to practice changing your mind. This is, essentially, a way of embracing the difficult challenge of change. Life isn’t about maintaining a status quo or continuing to hold on to the same beliefs. It’s about growth and change, even when it's uncomfortable or unexpected. 

The author shares a poignant personal story that really underlines this truth. Some time ago, a couple of people joined the congregation of the Christian church she’d been part of for many years. They were two women who were in a loving, committed relationship. The author had befriended one of the women. But then, one Sunday, a sermon was delivered by a guest teacher who casually mentioned the “sin of homosexuality,” causing the two women to stand up and walk out of the church. 

The author also walked out, to try to talk to the couple and console her friend, but she was ultimately at a loss for words. From that moment, and in the days that followed, the author was faced with a reckoning – an internal conflict that found her going through all the steps we’ve mentioned in this section. Should she stay or should she go?

In the next two sections, we’ll get into more detail about what happens at this stage in the decision process, and how we can navigate life’s existential dilemmas.