Name: The Courage to be Happy
Rating: 4.1 (81 reviews)
Author: Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

Introduction

What’s in it for me? Tried and true theories for educators and parents.

Are you a teacher, educator, or parent? Then perhaps this sounds familiar: keeping pace with the children you teach or care for is extremely hard work. It’s a real struggle to keep up with the current advice on education and childhood development. It seems like every week there’s a new must-read handbook!

Take a breath. You don’t need to keep abreast of every new development in the field.

The truth is, children have always been complex, demanding, and challenging. Why tire yourself out seeking new answers to old problems? Viennese psychologist Alfred Adler pioneered groundbreaking theories of education and childhood development at the turn of the 20th century. And his timeless wisdom on how to teach and raise happy, self-reliant children is just as relevant today as it was then.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

what the real objective of education is;
why praising children can cause more harm than good; and
how a child’s birth order can impact her development.

Key idea 1 of 8

The purpose of education is to teach self-reliance.

What is the purpose of educating a child?

Is it to teach her how to read and write? How to work out differential equations, name the world’s capital cities, or recite pi to the 20th decimal place?

According to psychologist Alfred Adler, it’s more profound than that.

The key message here is: The purpose of education is to teach self-reliance.

Adlerian psychology proposes two fundamental concepts to do with self-reliance.

First, that humans are conditioned to strive for improvement and independence. Think about it: even as babies we desire to overcome our helplessness. It's what drives us to crawl, walk, and speak. We are naturally driven to become self-reliant.

Second, that this self-reliance means satisfying our individual expectations and only our individual expectations. In fact, Adler proposes two categories of “tasks”. Our own – which we are responsible for – and other people’s – which they are responsible for. We should only carry out our tasks.

So if, for example, my boss doesn’t like me, I shouldn’t try to change her mind. Whether she likes me or not is her task, not mine. And it’s in fulfilling our own tasks without intervening in others’ that we become self-reliant.

Adler believed that we reach true happiness by achieving full self-reliance. But don't make the mistake of thinking that this means withdrawing. For Adler, the truly self-reliant individual is harmoniously integrated into society, while simultaneously also meeting her own needs.

So … how does education fit into all this?

At first glance, Adlerian psychology doesn’t really fit in an educational context. After all, isn’t the idea of teaching self-reliance a bit counter-intuitive? And, following Adler’s logic, surely learning is a child’s task – it’s not one for a teacher or parent to share. Is it?

Actually, Adler saw education as essential for self-reliance. Remember how connected it is to community? Adler believed that children learn self-reliance and how to be a part of their communities by sharing human knowledge – things like how to interact with people, or knowing what a green light at a crosswalk means. In other words, education.

In the next blinks, we’ll talk more about how Adler’s ideas around education can be put into practice to help educators and parents alike raise self-reliant, not to mention happy, children.

Key idea 2 of 8

Respect is seeing another person for who they are.

Imagine a classroom. A teacher stands at the board. He has planned an engaging and informative lesson. He’s thoughtfully selected his materials and created interesting, age-appropriate tasks. But his students are out of control. They ignore the lesson and refuse to listen or stay in their seats. In fact, they’re running in the corridor and painting on the walls.

It’s clear there’s a key ingredient missing in this lesson. Respect.

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Key idea 3 of 8

Don’t scold problem behavior… but don’t praise good behavior, either.

Let’s consider a child who is given a magnifying glass for her birthday. Through its lens she discovers a fascinating insect world. She spends hours watching ants move through the grass, curious to learn more about their industrious behavior. Later, by chance, she discovers the glass can intensify the rays of the sun. Equally curious, she focuses the sunlight on an ant. The ant burns alive.

Is she being cruel? No. She is acting out of curiosity and an ignorance of what a life – even an ant’s life – is worth.

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Key idea 4 of 8

Praise inhibits growth and encourages unhealthy competition.

From gold stars to glowing report cards, praise is one of the most powerful tools at the contemporary teacher’s disposal. Educators often view praise as a form of positive reinforcement – praise a child for doing something right, the theory goes, and he’ll repeat that good behavior.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth: praise doesn’t work the way we think it does.

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Key idea 5 of 8

Children are “inferior” to adults. But there’s strength in inferiority.

Children are complex, intelligent, and contradictory people, just like adults. Like adults, children have nuanced desires and needs. And they think, and feel, just as intensely as adults.

But let’s be real: in our society, adults are superior to children. There are lots of things adults can do that children can’t. Things like vote, drive, drink legally, or even reach the top shelf at the supermarket.

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Key idea 6 of 8

Your friendship is the most powerful lesson you can give your students.

Education is a gift. Teachers give their students skills, knowledge, attention, and time. Exceptional teachers can give their students something more. They give joy. And not only joy, but the capacity to create and sustain joy in their own lives, long after they’ve left the classroom.

The key message is: Your friendship is the most powerful lesson you can give your students.

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Key idea 7 of 8

Birth order influences children’s behavior… and adults’ too.

Star signs, Myers-Brigg tests, aura readings, enneagrams: there are countless methodologies that claim to tell us who we are and why we act the way we do. But according to Adler, one thing really can explain our personalities: birth order.

The key message is: Birth order influences children’s behavior… and adults’ too.

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Key idea 8 of 8

Love supports the transition from dependence to self-reliance.

When a child is born, he is the center of his own little universe. His power is almost godlike: he only has to cry for others to comfort him, feed him, or rock him. “‘Me’ – the child learns – ‘I’ am the most important thing in the world”.

Of course, he might be powerful, but he is also completely dependent.

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The Courage to be Happy summary