Selfless summary

Tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are. 

You’re probably tired of hearing this adage, but there’s an undeniable truth embedded within the saying – particularly when it comes to the development of your sense of self. The close connections you forge with others really do play a significant role in molding who you become. This isn’t really a surprise, considering how much time you spend around certain people. It’s from them that you learn about the world, how to treat people, how to behave, and how to navigate society.

As much as you might want to live your life as a hermit, you can’t escape the fact that you’re tangled up in communities. You’re part of a community as small as your local neighborhood and as big as an ethnicity. No matter the size, they all play a role in shaping your self just as much as your close relationships do.

Communities – also known as social groups – can include associations with things like gender, race, citizenship, or even a fanbase of a music genre. Within these larger groups, you can find subgroups that come with distinct characteristics, expectations, and norms. 

It’s no secret that social groups like gender and race have a massive impact on your sense of self. But probably the biggest social group that shapes you is the nation-state itself. Whether or not you’re fully aware of it, the country you reside in rules many different aspects of your life – which affects how your self came to be and will continue to develop. 

First and foremost, the nation-state is responsible for defining what’s right and wrong. It creates laws that regulate rewardable and punishable acts, and get integrated into society’s values and moral belief systems. What society thinks is right and wrong shapes your self to some extent. 

Let’s talk about technology. It may not be as visible or tangible as our close relationships, or the communities and countries we belong to – but technology wields its influence on our identities in clever, often subtle ways. 

For one, technology expands our social groups. Gone are the days when the relationships you form are constrained to the areas you can physically visit. With technology, you can build meaningful relationships with people across the globe without having to leave your bed. You can learn about their culture, lifestyle, and even morality – all by clicking a couple of buttons on a screen. 

We know that the self is made up of our many relationships and communities, right? It makes sense, then, that these connections give rise to two prominent characteristics of the self: First, it’s subject to change. And second, it can have multiple identities. 

Let’s start with the changing self. Contrary to popular belief, the self isn’t a fixed entity. It transforms during big shifts – like when society changes, when you form new relationships, and when you leave old ones. 

Besides money and love, there’s one other thing that most humans long for: freedom. You want to be able to do what you want, be who you want, and live your life to the fullest without any restrictions whatsoever. But in the framework of the self as a collection of relationships, longing for freedom is actually ironic. 

When you think you’re lacking freedom, it’s often because someone or something is stopping you from doing what you want. This might be people in power using their influence to curtail your actions. Or it could be people who manipulate you into doing things you didn’t intend to do. Oftentimes, it’s your existing relationships that require some sort of obligation from you.