When Your Feels Become Toxic: How to Fight Toxic Empathy
Toxic empathy is the dark side of compassion, where your ability to deeply feel for others becomes a double-edged sword. You absorb their pain, anxiety, and stress, leaving you emotionally drained and overwhelmed…
It’s a risky strength, as researchers put it – a strength that can lead to a whole host of mental health struggles, even to burnout.
In this article, we’re about to discuss toxic empathy: what it is, why it happens, and most importantly, how to break free from its grip.
We’ll even give you some practical tips and recommend short reads from our Blinkist library, where you can access thousands of books about mental health in just 15 minutes.
So, let’s fight toxic empathy together and set some healthy boundaries!
Empathy 101: The Good, the Bad, and the Toxic
Before we dive into the murky waters of toxic empathy, let’s get back to basics. What exactly is empathy? At its core, empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.
It’s that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you see someone smile, or that pang in your chest when you witness someone’s pain.
But empathy isn’t just about feeling for others; it’s also about feeling with them. It’s about putting yourself in their shoes and imagining what it’s like to see the world through their eyes.
Do you want to understand the process behind it? Check out the Blinkist summary of Elizabeth Segal’s book, Social Empathy. In just 15 minutes, you’ll discover that empathy is a complex skill that involves both your head and your heart.
It’s about understanding how someone thinks, feeling what they feel, and even recognizing how their culture and background play a role in their experiences.
Social Empathy
- 24 min reading time
- audio version available
And here’s the catch: this deep emotional connection is great to have but can sometimes become a bit too deep.
Are You Drowning in Empathy? Signs You Might Be a Toxic Empath:
Do you find yourself constantly putting others’ needs before your own, even when it leaves you feeling exhausted and depleted? You might be a toxic empath – a person who feels other people’s emotions so deeply that it starts to harm their own well-being.
In rare cases, being an empath can even manifest as intensely heightened perceptions, like mirror-touch synesthesia, where people actually feel sensations on their own skin while watching someone else be touched (truth told, it’s more than 2% of us!).
While fascinating, this extreme sensitivity can also lead to emotional overload.
But even without synesthesia, toxic empathy is a real struggle for many. Here are a few signs you might be experiencing it right now:
The 5 Signs of Toxic Empathy
- You’re a chronic apologizer: You say “sorry” even when it’s not your fault, taking on responsibility for things that aren’t yours to carry.
- Saying “no” is a struggle: You find it difficult to set boundaries and often end up overextending yourself to please others.
- You’re everyone’s emotional crutch: You feel personally responsible for the happiness and success of those around you, leading to excessive worry and stress.
- Your body is screaming for a break: You experience fatigue, anxiety, sleep disturbances, or other physical symptoms due to emotional overload.
- Daily tasks feel impossible: The weight of carrying everyone else’s emotions leaves you feeling paralyzed and unable to focus on your own needs.
Learning to set healthy boundaries and prioritize your own well-being is key to overcoming toxic empathy. Learn more about setting healthy boundaries and stopping people-pleasing with our summary of Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace
- 28 min reading time
- audio version available
Set Boundaries, Find Peace lays out everything you need to know about boundaries: what they are, why you need them, and how to implement them in your life right now.
And for further inspiration, dive into our Blinkist Magazine article, Setting Healthy Limits: Top 10 Quotes About Boundaries. These empowering quotes will motivate you to establish and maintain personal boundaries, respect yourself, and take control of your life.
Why We Fall Into the Trap of Toxic Empathy?
So, why do we become toxic empaths? Several factors can contribute:
- Personality: Some people are naturally more sensitive and empathetic than others. This predisposition, while a gift, can also make you more vulnerable to emotional overload.
- Upbringing: If you were raised in an environment where your needs were secondary to others, you might have learned to prioritize others’ well-being over your own.
- Cultural expectations: In some cultures, self-sacrifice and putting others first are highly valued. These societal norms can reinforce the tendency towards toxic empathy.
- Fear of conflict: Many toxic empaths struggle with saying “no” or setting boundaries because they fear upsetting others or causing conflict.
If you find yourself constantly saying “yes” when you really want to say “no,” it’s time to break free from the people-pleasing trap. Check out the Blinkist summary of Natalie Lue’s book, The Joy of Saying No.
The Joy of Saying No
- 16 min reading time
- audio version available
The Joy of Saying No is a practical guide for people pleasers. It explains what people pleasing is, why it impacts well-being, the different ways it manifests in behaviors, and how it can be overcome, so that people can live more authentically.
How Toxic Empathy can Affect You in the Workplace
Toxic empathy isn’t just a personal struggle; it can wreak havoc in your professional life too. In the workplace, toxic empathy can manifest as:
- Taking on others’ workloads: You might find yourself constantly volunteering for extra tasks or covering for colleagues, even when it’s not your responsibility.
- Feeling responsible for your team’s emotions: You might internalize the stress and negativity of your coworkers, leading to burnout and decreased productivity.
- Difficulty saying “no” to unreasonable requests: You might struggle to set boundaries with demanding clients or colleagues, fearing you’ll let them down or disappoint them.
- Neglecting your own needs: You might prioritize the needs of your team or clients over your own well-being, leading to exhaustion and resentment.
These habits can seriously impact your mental health and job performance, creating a cycle of stress and dissatisfaction. If this sounds familiar, it might be worth checking if there’s a bigger issue, like toxic leadership, at play. Toxic bosses can make these problems even worse, so spotting the signs and finding ways to cope is crucial.
Want to dive deeper into this? Check out the article “Toxic Leadership: When Your Boss is the Problem” at Blinkist. It’s full of tips on how to recognize the red flags and strategies to not just survive but thrive.
The Toxic Positivity Trap
But toxic empathy can often be intertwined with another harmful phenomenon: toxic positivity. This is the excessive and unrealistic promotion of happiness and optimism, even in the face of adversity or challenges.
And as Whitney Goodman explains in her Blinkist summary of Toxic Positivity, this relentless focus on positive thinking can actually be detrimental to our well-being. Read or even listen to the summary here:
Toxic Positivity
- 22 min reading time
- audio version available
How to Break Free from Toxic Empathy
The good news is that you can overcome toxic empathy and establish healthier emotional boundaries. Here are some strategies to get you started:
- Self-Awareness: Recognize the signs of toxic empathy and acknowledge how it affects your well-being.
- Self-Care: Prioritize your own needs and make time for activities that recharge your emotional batteries.
- Boundary Setting: Learn to say “no” assertively and set clear limits on what you’re willing to give emotionally. Check out The Joy of Saying No, if you haven’t yet.
- Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness techniques to stay grounded in the present moment and avoid getting swept away by others’ emotions.
Fight Toxic Empathy With Blinkist
Toxic empathy, while a natural instinct for some, doesn’t have to be a life sentence. It’s a battle you can win, armed with self-awareness, healthy boundaries, and a commitment to prioritizing your well-being.
Remember, saying “no” doesn’t make you selfish. It’s an essential tool for self-preservation, especially when navigating relationships with those who drain your energy.
If you’re struggling to set boundaries, Blinkist’s collection Boundaries as Self-Care can be your roadmap to reclaiming your emotional space. Learn how to communicate your needs clearly, and most importantly, understand that saying “no” is a complete sentence.
And if you’re a highly sensitive person finding it particularly challenging to deal with toxic individuals, Shahida Arabi’s The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People is a game-changer. She provides practical strategies to identify and disarm emotional manipulators, empowering you to take back your power.
The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People
- 17 min reading time
- audio version available
So, are you ready to kick toxic empathy to the curb? Start exploring Blinkist’s powerful book summaries and take advantage of our 7-day free trial. You’ll get free access to more than 7,500 top tiles, guides, and expert advice:
