“Polysecure”: I Read the “Bible of Polyamory” – Here’s How It Changed My Life
“Humans are made to live monogamously,” “a little jealousy is normal,” “women just aren’t as interested in sex as men are.”
These are some of the common beliefs about sexuality and relationships that I, like many others, grew up with. No wonder, since we are constantly exposed to this worldview through the media, movies, and advertisements.
Are we really made to live monogamously?
It wasn’t until I moved to a big city like New York City that I began to question these concepts. For the first time, I encountered people in open relationships or living polyamorously, having sex with many different partners—and they weren’t unhappy or overwhelmed by it at all.
Gradually, the question started to arise: Maybe we humans aren’t as monogamous as we think? After all, one in three marriages ends in divorce, and nearly one in three people has cheated on their partner at some point.
So the statistics don’t exactly speak in favor of eternal fidelity. But where does the belief come from that we are all meant to be with just one person with whom we’re supposed to share our entire (sexual) lives?
What’s behind the book that many call “the Bible of Polyamory”?
I began researching and quickly found answers. Polysecure by Jessica Fern answers the exact questions I had been asking myself. It’s often referred to as the “Bible of Polyamory” because it ruthlessly exposes that our idea of sexually fulfilling monogamy is quite unrealistic.
I absorbed the knowledge from 432 pages in just 18 minutes
That sounded promising! Before I got the whole book, I decided to check out Blinkist’s summary to quickly listen to the key takeaways of the book.
Blinkist provides insightful summaries of non-fiction books in an app, allowing users to absorb the most important knowledge from over 7,500 bestsellers, classics, and new releases in just 15 minutes each. More than 32 million users worldwide are already convinced by the app, and it was even named one of the best apps by Apple recently.
Polysecure by Jessica Fern is also available as a concise summary in the Blinkist library. Instead of 432 pages of reading, here you’ll find the core ideas summarized in just a few minutes, explaining how our cultural evolution around relationships and attachment impacts our understanding of love, security, and intimacy.
Polysecure
- 18 min reading time
- audio version available
The insights that stood out the most to me
1. Humans evolved to form secure attachments with multiple people
Our ancestors likely had more intimate connections and sexual relationships than we might imagine. Early human communities didn’t just share possessions—they shared partners too. This created stronger group cohesion and shared parental responsibility, as no one really knew who the biological father was.
2. Cultural shifts narrowed our view of sexual relationships
As societies transitioned from hunter-gatherer to agricultural lifestyles, the notion of property and inheritance began to take hold. This shift led to the imposition of monogamy, particularly on women, as a way to ensure the proper lineage of property and wealth.
3. Female desire is just as strong as male desire
To ensure women’s sexual loyalty, female sexuality has historically been suppressed and stigmatized. However, studies now show that female libido is just as strong as men’s. Despite this, many women still carry the belief that they must be sexually reserved.
4. The cultural idea of “true love” causes a lot of suffering
Many people spend their entire lives chasing the idea of “true love” and questioning their worth if they aren’t in an ideal relationship. Others find themselves in monogamous relationships but crave sex with other people, leading to doubts about their relationship and love. The book concludes that our evolutionary nature simply doesn’t align with cultural ideals.
How Polysecure has changed my perspective on relationships
The surprising result of my research was that, in less than 20 minutes, I not only learned a lot about the history of human sexuality but also got some valuable insights for my own relationships. I decided to be more open about sexuality and to question my own biases and beliefs more frequently.
And that’s not all: As soon as I finished the summary of Polysecure, the Blinkist app recommended a collection titled “Polyamorous Relationships” with summaries of seven titles about relationship concepts.
The app offers hundreds of other titles on topics like dating, love, and communication that can be read or listened to at home or on the go.
How millions of people are expanding their horizons with an app
It’s clear that the book summaries in the app are enriching the lives of many users: Nearly 80% of them report in a user survey that the app has had a positive impact on their lives. For 65%, Blinkist is one of the top 5 apps they use most often.
Read or listen to Blinkist’s explanations of 7,500 books
It’s hard to believe how popular this app is. With an average rating of 4.7 stars in the app stores, Blinkist far exceeds the average, with more than 100,000 people giving it a perfect score. Every day, the company gains around 10,000 new users worldwide.
Would you like to learn more about love, sex, and relationship concepts, or deepen your knowledge in other areas?
At Blinkist, you’ll find numerous summaries of famous bestsellers, such as those by Yuval Noah Harari, Brené Brown, or James Clear.
You can download the app from the App Store or Google Play Store and explore all the titles for free for the first 7 days.
