In Sheep’s Clothing

We’ve all seen it: someone makes a subtle put-down in a social gathering that manages to be hurtful without making the perpetrator look bad. Why would someone even do that?

Some people, manipulators, like to fight others and put them down in order to make themselves look better.

This isn’t to say that manipulators are the only people who engage in bad behavior; indeed, we all fight from time to time.

Assertive fighting for our legitimate needs is often necessary and constructive – as long as we respect others in the process. For example, football players have to compete against each other to win the game, but do so within the rules.

Another example can be found in politics, where ideas and personalities clash, and the best candidates with the best ideas end up being elected – at least that’s the idea.

So how are manipulators any different from the rest of us? The difference is that people with manipulative personalities fight aggressively, pushing their own agenda forward without any regard for other people’s feelings, rights or interests.

The reason why is simple: manipulators have an impaired conscience. Unlike the rest of us, they’re completely unable to see beyond their own self-interest.

Whereas most of us will conform to social rules (such as not intentionally upsetting people), manipulators see this deference to social norms as an act of submission, and will likely view these norms as threats to their self-interest.

For example, manipulative parents who pressure their children to perform at a high level in school or sports, without any concern for their child’s needs and wants or the opinions of teachers and school staff, are more concerned with their own desires than the way their actions will affect their child. They are actively seeking the status that comes with being the parent of a high-performing student.